June 16, 2024|י' סיון ה' אלפים תשפ"ד Crafting the Messaging We Give our Children
Print ArticleLast week, I went to something that I don’t think existed when I was a child, and that is the kindergarten graduation. When I was growing up, we graduated from elementary school, we graduated from high school and then we graduated from college. But then came the kindergarten graduation. And all the mommies have to take off work and all the daddies have to take off work, and all the grandfathers and grandmothers who have not as of yet retired have to take off work. And that’s where I was last week when I attended my first kindergarten graduation as a grandparent when my granddaughter Sophia graduated from HANC kindergarten. And why do we go? We all go and witness this seminal event which marks the transition from primarily play-focused learning in nursery and kindergarten to more traditional seatwork-oriented learning in first grade. I mean, that’s not really why we go. We go because it’s cute. It’s cute to see a child or a grandchild up on stage and we all have our phones out trying to capture that moment when our grandchild has the solo to sing something or say something or do something and that memory gets etched in our hearts and minds and most importantly on our phones so that it becomes that all important segment of that child’s bar or bat mitzvah montage.
One thing that is so beautiful about these kindergarten graduations is that all the children or almost all the children are excited to sing about Jewish stuff, about Torah, about tefillah and about chagim. They love all the Jewish stuff. What about the next time that they graduate in 8th grade? Are all the children singing about Torah, tefillah and chagim? Hopefully not, because that would be a bit awkward. But are they excited about Torah, tefilla and chagim? When our children are very young, they love everything and anything about Torah and mitzvot, but then they realize that Judaism means you have to do this and you can’t do that and other things in their life seem more exciting and many children at elementary school graduation and at high school graduation are not as excited about Torah and mitzvot as they were during the kindergarten graduation. How can we as a community respond to that?
The challenge of Talmud Torah is reflected in the daily brachot that we recite on this mitzvah. On the one hand, it’s a birkat ha-mitzvah. We are commanded to occupy ourself in the study of Torah. Even though on a technical level we can fulfill the mitzvah of daily Torah study by reciting kriat shema in the morning and the evening, the bracha suggests that reciting these passages every day isn’t sufficient. We must be “osek b’divrei Torah.” We must occupy ourselves with the words of Torah. Rav Soloveitchik explains that “Torah is not only to be studied but demands an all-encompassing involvement.” He then asks why is it that one daily bracha is sufficient no matter how many times we interrupt our daily Torah study to go to work, to eat, to read or to do anything other than study Torah? In contrast, if on Sukkot I eat breakfast in the sukkah in the morning, and then I go to work and I return to the sukkah for lunch and then I return to work and then again to the sukkah in the evening, I will recite a bracha on the sukkah each time that I eat in the sukkah during the day, in the morning, in the afternoon and in the evening. Why is it that one bracha on the study of Torah is sufficient every day but we must recite a separate bracha every time we sit in the sukkah. To this, Rav Soloveitchik answers with the following mashal, the following parable. He writes:
“When a mother plays with her child there is an acute awareness of the child. But even when the mother works at a job or is distracted by some other activity, there is a natural latent awareness of her child’s existence. This latent awareness remains throughout her entire lifetime and can never be extinguished. It is expressed in commitment, devotion, and in a feeling of identification, a feeling that I and the baby are one….
The same is true with regards to Torah. There may not be an acute awareness of Torah for twenty-four hours each day. But the latent awareness never ceases…. Laasok [b’divre Torah] implies that even when we are mentally involved with something else, we are aware of Torah.” That is challenge number one. Constant awareness of Torah throughout our day. Challenge number two is “v’ha’arev na” – that the words of Torah feel sweet in our mouths. Challenge number two is that we enjoy our Torah when we study it. Challenge number two is that we don’t say that my drasha or any drasha or any shiur, for that matter, is boring, that we feel like singing songs filled with Torah messages rather than secular messages. And challenge number three is asher bachar banu mi-kol ha-amim v’natan lanu et torato – that we truly appreciate the gift of Torah, that God chose us from all the nations and gave us this gift.
This is the three-part challenge of Torah that we want our children to feel – a constant latent awareness of Torah values, the enjoyment or sweetness of Torah and a deep-seated belief that our Torah is a gift. How do we keep our children excited about Torah in this way so that they have this experience beyond their kindergarten years throughout their yeshiva day school experience and beyond?
I think that there is a lot that we can do to inspire our children, but this morning I want to talk about one particular suggestion with which I think many of us struggle. At the end of last week’s parsha, we read the mitzvah of נשא את ראש בני קהת מתוך בני לוי – to take the census and assign responsibilities to the family of Kehat of the tribe of Levi. In this morning’s parsha, we continue with the mitzvah of the census as we read נשא עת ראש בני גרשון גם הם– to take the census and assign responsibilities to the family of Gershon. Now Gershon is the firstborn, so why is Kehat given precedence over Gershon? In the midrash [Bamidbar Rabbah], the rabbis answer:
אף על פי שגרשון בכור ומצינו שבכל מקום חלק הכתוב כבוד לבכור לפי שהיה קהת טוען הארון ששם התורה הקדימו הכתוב לגרשון שבתחלה אמר נשא את ראש בני קהת ואח"כ אומר נשא את ראש בני גרשון
Even though Gershon was older, Kehat received priority because his task was to carry the aron which contained the Torah. The messaging of the Torah is that kavod ha-Torah is greater than kavod ha-bechorah. The idea of respect to Torah can be found in many places in Chazal. For example, the Tosefta in Masechet Horayot (2:8) states that a chacham kodem la-melech – a Sage is prioritized over a king in a number of situations, like keeping him alive and redeeming him from captivity. The specific details of this halacha are complex, but the messaging is clear. We value Torah and those who promote Torah. The question is whether we convey this message to our children.
There was a study where a few hundred children were brought into a room and were asked a single multiple-choice question. What do your parents want you to be when you grow up? The choices were (a) rich, (b) famous, (c) smart and (d) a good person. Over 90% of the children answered choices A-C. The researchers then brought the parents into the room and asked them a single multiple-choice question. If you can choose one option, what do you want your child to be when he/she grows up? (a) Rich, (b) famous, (c) smart or (d) a good person. Over 90% of the parents choose D, a good person. It was evident that there was a big disconnect between what parents really want from their children and what they express. It’s all about messaging.
A big Rosh Yeshiva came to Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Auerbach with a very simple question: “I have a neighbor who is a banker and his kids are on fire with Torah learning and Judaism, but my children aren’t excited about Torah. Why did this happen to me?” Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Auerbach replied, “I will tell you the truth, but the truth hurts. The answer is lies in your attitude and conversation around the Shabbat table. When the banker sits at the Shabbat table at the end of a long week, he tells his family about the incredible shiur he went to during the week, and how one day he was able to find a few extra minutes to learn and it was so sweet! His children grow up hearing the beauty of יהדות. You, on the other hand, you might share a few divrei Torah at your Shabbat table, but then you spend much of your meal berating and denigrating other Yeshivot. Your children grow up with a slew of negativity, so why would they be interested?”
What is the messaging that we are giving our children? What does our Shabbat table look like? What do we celebrate in front of our children? Wealthy people? Fancy vacations that people take? Famous celebrities? And how do we feel about Torah personalities and Torah institutions? As a Jewish educator, I will be the first to admit that there is much to criticize in the Torah community, but there is also much to celebrate in the Torah community. We can complain about yeshiva day school education. After all, we pay a lot of money so we rightfully expect a lot. But we can also celebrate Yeshiva day school education. After all, so many studies have shown that the main reason for the success of the orthodox community as opposed to the conservative and reform communities is Yeshiva day school education. And we have a choice how we speak about Yeshiva day schools to our children. Do we primarily talk about the problems or do we celebrate what we are doing right? There is what to complain about Torah leaders in our community and there is also what to celebrate about Torah leaders in our community. There are opinions with which we agree and there are opinions with which we disagree. And we have a choice how we speak about Torah leaders to our children. Rabbi Dov Lipman told us two days ago that we have a choice how we frame the war against Hamas. Do we only focus on the negative or do we look for the inspiration? This is true when it comes to Israel and the same thing is true when it comes to Torah study and Torah institutions.
Let us embrace positive messaging. נשא את ראש בני קהת! Let us highlight to our children and grandchildren the joy and importance of Torah in our lives, even with all the challenges that exist. By doing so, we can help our children and grandchildren maintain their excitement for Torah from kindergarten through their entire educational journey and beyond.